Except you’ve been dwelling in a coma the final 10 months, there’s something known as, “COVID-19,” which is quickly destroying our planet’s commerce-to the delight of some and ire of others
Immediately we deal with three COVID-19 parts that make up (or must make up) the large image. They embrace symptomology, the work of contact tracers and help they may readily use in finishing their arduous duties.
Let’s sort out signs first. We’ll handle essentially the most “frequent”, however even earlier than we try this, we have to take a look at what we’re informed about them.
“Signs could seem anyplace from two days earlier than to 14 days after publicity to the virus”. (Did these folks get their diploma in meteorology-MAY APPEAR)?
Persevering with to cite, “Individuals with these signs MAY have COVID” (See the Nov. 21, 2020 version of The Tribune, “Humor: Extra, or Les” column, Climate or Not). MAY have it?
And what are the signs the COVID-ites “could” have?
Fever or chills (often called the Laodicean Impact).
Cough (besides when informed by medical doctors to show one’s head and do that).
Shortness of breath or problem respiration (typically misinterpreted when analyzed inside the throes of intimate emotion).
Fatigue (run a marathon and also you clearly have COVID).
Muscle or physique aches (exercise aftermath proves you’ve got it).
Headache (an excessive amount of booze? COVID).
New lack of style or odor (lack of style — you used to vote for one political occasion, now one other. Lack of odor — you’ve got determined to make use of deodorant for the primary time — and others rejoice that you’ve the illness. Word: Lack of odor will also be realized within the political occasion voting change).
Sore throat (you sang continuous for 96 hours in an try and fulfill a world file — you’ve got it for positive).
Congestion or runny nostril (you’ve got imbibed a beneficiant serving to of horseradish).
Nausea or vomiting (you watch an excessive amount of Lifetime Tv).
Diarrhea (you ingest a whole 17 oz. Aldi’s Mama Cozzi gluten-free cauliflower pizza in a single setting — belief me I’ve skilled this scrumptious symptom repeatedly).
New confusion (Wait. You imply for those who have BEEN confused and develop into confused anew? No marvel the illness is so prevalent).
Incapacity to wake or keep awake (classroom college students, whether or not studying in individual or distantly resemble this comment).
Bluish lips or face (Smurfs have COVID — I simply knew it).
And now let’s transfer on to the duties of society’s members that courageous the private particulars of strangers, ask questions they themselves by no means would and receives a commission big {dollars} to do it.
Contact tracing feels like a grammar college artwork undertaking, but it surely’s not. I do know some which have been traced, and it’s fascinating to see the place the strains are (or will not be) “drawn.”
Tracing isn’t just a job — it’s an journey.
Tracers ask 70 year-old ladies in the event that they’re pregnant (and if their husband’s title is Abraham). They ask these not born in Indiana if they’ve lately had a tattoo (These born exterior of Indiana don’t even know what a tattoo is).
They ask these missing in self-importance the final time they’d their nails performed. They question as as to whether or not the suspect had lately been to an acupuncturist (and if that’s the case, they contact the workplace, to let the needles know they could be in peril).
They take an hour to get by way of every name and sort out each potential hassle you’ve got, from dandruff to toenail fungus — after which they follow-up your interview with so many telephone calls you assume they have been educated by J.D. Powers, and so many letters you presume they previously labored for Ed McMahon. As a possible well being scofflaw, digging deep into your work and worship environments will not be taboo.
Can these well-meaning residents successfully do what their demanding bosses require on their very own? Assuredly not. They need assistance.
“Who,” you ask?
“It’s easy. They get it from The Andy Griffith Present solid.
ADMINISTRATION
Ellie Walker: Pharmacist by coaching, stunning, good and daring, she is the best spokesperson for COVID management. She makes positive tracers are so well mannered that you can virtually get diabetes simply listening to them.
Howard Sprague: Accountant. Accountable for the general monetary picture-never met a quantity he didn’t like. A creepy attachment to his overbearing mom provides him simply the correct quantity of sympathy for the aged bothered by the illness, fueling his ardour for public service.
Ben Weaver: Landlord/division retailer proprietor. Makes the Grinch seem like Santa Claus. He oversees evictions of the grossly non-compliant.
Ernest T. Bass: Lover of rock music and fan of the stones, he works straight underneath Ben’s supervision. For those who repeatedly fail to adjust to division requests, he’s the final step earlier than eviction. He’ll throw rocks at each you and your private home, all of the whereas reciting line upon line of hideous poetry, in an ear-bleeding tone.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Arrests scofflaws. Nnot with a gun, however guitar, as he proudly sings, “You get a line, I’ll get a pole, honey.”
Sarah: A clean operator, she is in cost over tracer name facilities.
HEALTHCARE
Emmett Clark: Proprietor of the fix-it store. Ellie has utilized his abilities of ingenuity in arising with an improved COVID vaccine that gained’t provide you with as many unwanted side effects as those who intimate you’ve got the illness within the first place.
Otis Campbell: City drunk, has provide you with a viable COVID antidote: One half Campbell’s Hen Noodle Soup, one half moonshine.
Clara Edwards: Arranges for organ transplants as vital, and cultivates stunning flowers to your survivors if the transplants don’t take. Was employed as church organist till lately, when COVID shut down in-person gatherings for homes of worship.
Helen Crump: Taught college for a lot of grade ranges for a few years till COVID introduced concerning the digital classroom. She assists with psychological well being, and encourages the despondent tracees that sometime they are going to actually dwell as much as their full potential.
Aunt Bea: In step with her home coaching, bakes cookies for all name heart employees.
CONTACT TRACERS
Opie Taylor/Johnny Paul Jason: Work collectively as a workforce, visiting native soccer fields, ensuring these within the huddle stay six ft aside.
Floyd Lawson: Employed as barber till COVID prevented folks from getting their hair minimize, he’s a really arduous employee, although the tracee should swallow a barbiturate in an effort to successfully perceive what he’s saying.
Gomer Pyle and cousin Goober Pyle: Each labored for Wally’s filling station till lately laid off on account of much less folks driving, leading to much less want for automobile restore. They perceive the mechanics of the group and lie at its coronary heart. After they come across an particularly tantalizing tracee tidbit, they’ve been identified to loudly exclaim, “Properly golllllllly” or “Shazzam” respectively. Within the spirit of unity they’ve agreed that future superlatives can be restricted to, “Shazzolllllllly.”
Alas, as we come to the conclusion of as we speak’s column, it ought to be obvious to essentially the most ardent of TAGS followers that one conspicuous Mayberry resident is lacking from our listing. He’s the one with the perfect suggestion for all of us. Relating to COVID, he fervently proclaims, “Nip it within the bud.”
Les Linz of Seymour writes the “Humor: Extra or Les” column. For details about Linz, go to his amazon.com creator web page. Ship feedback to [email protected].
