Photograph supplied by Scott Saalman
By SCOTT SAALMAN
PODCAST COLD OPEN: I’m Man Razz, host of this unique new podcast, How I Broke This. To not be confused with that different podcast by that different man, Man Raz, referred to as How I Constructed This, to which I can’t legally declare any connection. Additionally, as a consequence of a foolish court docket ruling, I can’t even come inside 100 yards of “different Man” as a consequence of a complete misunderstanding that my lawyer tells me to not talk about. About my identify, Man Razz. Sure, it’s actual. The G-U-Y-R-A-Z-Z tattooed throughout my knuckles by a tattoo artist who apparently couldn’t cease at only one Z proves this.
INTRODUCTION: That is How I Broke This. Ineptitude … Failure … Inanity … Stupidity … MURDER! MURDER! MURDER! Properly, now we have but to discover a visitor with hyperlinks to boneheaded enterprise blunders AND grisly murders … however, hey, we podcasters can dream, proper? All we actually want is a assassin with a failed starter enterprise to make How I Broke This a profitable podcast. If that is you, contact us.
GUY RAZZ: Welcome to How I Broke This…
SFX |CARTOONISH BROKEN SPRING: Boinnnnnnggggg.
GUY: … and welcome to my narrative journey about enterprise ineptitude and the failed leaders who did not be taught from their failures. Pay attention whereas I show impeccable pitch, intonation and vocal pace and hypnotize my visitors with my snake-charmer expertise, inflicting those that hit all-time low to rise from their bamboo baskets of utter enterprise failure and reveal by way of trances of reality what led to the breaking of their entrepreneurial spirits — and hopefully revealing a homicide or two. That music you hear — that’s me blowing a pungi. Full disclosure: I personal and function a snake-charmer service, referred to as Oh Sh–It’s A Reside Cobra! Ltd., which offers leisure at youngsters’s birthday events. Fuller disclosure: my lawyer advises me to let you know that Oh Sh—It’s A Reside Cobra! shouldn’t be chargeable for alleged unlucky incidents which may’ve stemmed from, say, a latest party for little Timmy Schmitt, age 6, after he prematurely blew his occasion horn throughout a snake-charming efficiency. The police report concerning the alleged incident says the horn sound was not what pulled the cobra from its pungi-induced stupor; as a substitute, it was the horn’s paper tube that threateningly uncoiled towards him that brought on the snake to strike. In the present day, in episode one, I share with you ways enterprise ineptness introduced down a once-promising Slaw Shack restaurant. Becoming a member of us is Slaw Shack founder Radoslaw Ziegelgruber.
RADOSLAW: It’s an honor, however what’s that annoying music?
GUY: It’s my pungi.
RADOSLAW: I really feel very sleepy.
GUY: In 2018, you opened the primary and final Slaw Shack.
GUY: Which served solely slaw?
RADOSLAW: Sure. Our tag-line acknowledged, It’s all slaw — and comfortable on the jaw.
GUY: Once more, you served simply slaw?
RADOSLAW: There are a variety of slaw lovers on the market, and for them, it has at all times been a crap shoot as as to whether or not a restaurant served slaw. Slaw Shack eliminated the guesswork.
GUY: Simply so our listeners perceive, you served solely slaw?
RADOSLAW: Properly, slaw-related selections. , vinegar-based versus cream-based. Our Slaw and Extra Meal served extra slaw than the fundamental Slaw Meal. There was the Slaw-which, topped and bottomed with both white or wheat bread. There was our slaw-shaved-ice drink, the Slawshie. Folks certain talked concerning the Slawshie. By folks, I imply ER attendants baffled by the bizarre slaw-laced pressure of mind freeze that put writhing folks of their gurneys. There was the ill-fated Slaw Canine, a last-ditch meat possibility as soon as we realized there weren’t that many vegetarians on the town devoted to a slaw-only menu.
GUY: I heard there was backlash about Slaw Canine being served on pita?
RADOSLAW: You misheard, Man. The problem was with PETA, not a pita. I shouldn’t have put the phrase canine within the product identify. I imply, good day!?
GUY: Slaw Shack’s theme tune additionally created issues.
RADOSLAW: Sure. We used that outdated Sixties tune that goes, “I fought the legislation and the legislation gained.” Solely we changed legislation with slaw. Apparently, you must pay music publishers to make use of their songs.
GUY: What!!?? Notice to self, cease utilizing “WAP” as podcast theme tune.
RADOSLAW: So sleepy…
GUY: Regardless of providing a singular area of interest in meals providers and being accused of serving Shih Tzu and stealing a kickass, albeit cobwebby, tune, the general public didn’t essentially eat up Slaw Shack?
RADOSLAW: I misplaced my enterprise. My spouse. A canine. I’m destitute. Man, I as soon as was a kind of guys who refused giving up. Anytime I confronted a problem, my father at all times impressed me to persevere by screaming between lengthy sips of his Tom Collins, “Ain’t no hill for a climber!” Apparently, you can not climb a hill manufactured from slaw. You sink at every step.
GUY: Properly, it’s a hill of slaw. One, final query.
RADOSLAW: Shoot, Man.
GUY: Humorous you’d say that. Inform me, have you ever ever killed somebody?
RADOSLAW: After all not.
GUY: Darn. I actually wanted a visitor for episode two.
GUY: Be part of us subsequent week for How I Broke This episode two throughout which I interview me, host of the How I Broke This podcast and proprietor of Oh Sh—It’s A Reside Cobra!
Electronic mail [email protected] to order his new column assortment, “What Are You Going To Write About After I’m Gone?” ($15).