I’m working overtime to cover my co-worker’s ADA accommodations, and more advice from Dear Prudie.

Q. Photograph flap: My first spouse handed away 11 years in the past. I met my new spouse “Helene” a few 12 months later, and we married three years after that. Helene is unable to see footage of my first spouse with out falling right into a depressed state and questioning if I really love her. I really love(d) each of my wives with all my coronary heart. I really feel that I discovered my soulmate, twice! I don’t imagine that I’ve ever mentioned something or acted in a manner that contradicts this. However I’m Helene’s old flame and he or she is my second love. Helene is tremendous indignant with my first spouse.

I don’t know find out how to reconcile this. We simply moved into a brand new home and are placing up pictures once more. I’d prefer to put up a selected image of my youngsters that occurs to even have my first spouse, however broaching the topic despatched Helene right into a day-long disappointment and anger that I couldn’t do something about. Helene is an excellent particular person in so some ways. For example, she is nice to my youngsters regardless that they’re from my first marriage. She even jogs my memory to remain in contact with them. When this has come up prior to now, I’ve simply given up and given in, however hiding such a giant a part of my previous makes me really feel incorrect. Any concepts?

A: I’m so sorry you’ve felt chargeable for managing Helene’s concern and resentment on this topic, and I agree together with your (implicit) suggestion that it’s time to cease giving up within the face of her anger. Her response to footage of your long-dead spouse is completely inappropriate, utterly disproportionate, and is finally her duty to handle. It may be tough to attract a tough line with somebody in case you’ve traditionally given in, so it’s possible you’ll wish to ask a buddy or two to give you help as you intend your subsequent dialog along with her.

However you have to be agency and unapologetic! It’s merciless and unreasonable for Helene to say, in essence, “As a result of I’m so threatened and unable to think about your perspective with reference to your first spouse, it’s your duty to cover all photos of her for the remainder of our marriage, or else I’ll lash out for hours and even days.” It’s not cheap for Helene to be “tremendous indignant” together with your first spouse, who has been lifeless for over a decade, just because she was as soon as alive and in love with you earlier than you or Helene ever met. The truth that you’re Helene’s old flame isn’t any justification for her horrible conduct on this topic. She must take fast steps to get a deal with on her emotions so that you just should not have to handle them; if she must see a therapist or ask her mates for assist, she ought to accomplish that, however the duty is wholly hers and never yours.

The truth that Helene is good to your youngsters doesn’t make up for her unhealthy conduct elsewhere. It’s merely a bare-minimum requirement. Any companion of yours needs to be good to your youngsters. She doesn’t get “ additional credit score” for being pleasant together with your youngsters that she will be able to then spend on being irrationally indignant and jealous of your lifeless first spouse. Eager to have a couple of footage of your youngsters with their mom in your house is a wonderfully cheap want that’s completely constant together with your love and respect for Helene. You’re not suggesting constructing a shrine, or holding your first spouse’s picture always over Helene’s head for comparability. Helene owes you a honest apology and amended conduct, and you’ve got the precise to insist on it.

Q. Disorganized gardener: When my spouse and I moved in to our new home, the earlier house owners handed on contact data for his or her gardener, “R.” R is incredible. She exhibits up reliably each weekend, does a ton of labor, and makes our backyard look nice. She’s additionally fairly clearly battling psychological sickness. Lots of her tales make little or no sense, and he or she typically talks about how the police spying on her. After I first met her, I attempted to supply some assist however it shortly turned apparent that this simply made her nervous.

I don’t have any contact information for her household (she appears to have some help there, however I don’t actually know a lot). Usually I wouldn’t attempt to get extra concerned, however prior to now 12 months she’s stopped cashing the checks I write for her. I attempted giving her money, pondering that she won’t have the ability to use a financial institution (which might be arduous for plenty of causes). She wouldn’t take the money. I solely simply now satisfied her to take a big verify from me to cowl the final a number of months and I requested her to money it quickly, however I doubt she’s going to. I’m at a loss as to find out how to persuade her to take fee. What’s my moral obligation right here? Can I ethically proceed to make use of somebody who gained’t or can’t settle for fee?

A: I agree that it will not be moral to just accept free landscaping work (particularly if it’s each weekend and entails “a ton” of effort), even when the landscaper in query appears to choose it. However I additionally assume you’re proper to not wish to invade her privateness or attempt to go over her head and contain her family, even in case you might discover them. I’m a bit of misplaced on this one, I’ll confess! Readers, do you have got any recommendations? I’ll run as many as I can.

Q. Church marriage ceremony: My sister is within the technique of planning a marriage to a person she’s been relationship for under two years. He’s a pleasant sufficient man however I’m a bit of involved—he’s a member of a really unusual faith. My sister and I grew up nonreligious, however we have been all the time taught to respect all religions and perception techniques. I’ve been to loads of completely different non secular providers with mates and family.

Nevertheless, I really feel like his denomination is about two steps away from a cult. He claims to now be secular and never taken with staying with the church, however he nonetheless attends each week. My sister goes together with this and has even agreed to have their marriage ceremony on this church. I went to a service simply to see if I used to be being unfairly prejudicial however the entire thing was weird and once more, very cult-y. The marriage shall be utterly dry (very unusual for my Russian/Italian/Irish household) and there’s no dancing or music aside from hymns allowed. The bridesmaids’ attire should go previous the knee and we’re not allowed to put on make-up. I apparently must cowl my tattoos and take away my piercing to be allowed into the constructing.

The extra I attempt to speak to my sister about my issues, the extra she pushes again. I do know she’s (barely) an grownup however I really feel like she’s making an enormous mistake. How can I present her she’s not taking place the precise path?

A: It may be very tough to point out another person that they’re not taking place the precise path, significantly after they’re your sibling, and much more significantly in relation to how they select to plan their marriage ceremony (and most significantly of all, after they imagine they’re going down the precise path!), so I recommend you scale down a few of your objectives. You may fairly hope to be taught extra about why your sister has been making these decisions, in case you ask her about them and pay attention with an open thoughts, and I feel you need to begin there. “I’ve been a bit of shocked to be taught you’re planning such a religiously-observant marriage ceremony, as a result of I believed neither of you have been particularly non secular. Do these really feel like momentary compromises you’re ready to make with the intention to please his household, or are you contemplating taking up a few of these observances yourselves?” If finally the 2 of them determine to carry a reasonably conservative dry marriage ceremony, whether or not as a result of they often/type of maintain these values themselves and don’t wish to admit it, or as a result of they wish to go alongside to get alongside, that’s finally their alternative. In the event you’ve seen your sister pushing again if you attempt to steer her in one other route, make it clear that you just’re not going to attempt to inform her find out how to plan her marriage ceremony anymore—that you just simply wish to know a bit of bit extra about why it’s essential to her, because it’s all new to you.

Past that, I don’t assume it’s terribly uncommon for folks to get married/engaged after two years of relationship; it’s possible you’ll not just like the man or this relationship for a wide range of causes, however it’s not a surprisingly quick development. And I’d encourage you to let the alcohol subject go; attending one marriage ceremony with out alcohol may really feel unusual however it’s not going to hurt you or anybody else in your loved ones, nor will it prohibit you from ingesting on another event you select. It is smart that you just discover these restrictions cumbersome, particularly when each your sister and her companion are claiming they don’t actually “imagine” in them, but when it’s just for at some point, I feel you’ll get so much additional in case you let a few of these battles go, and let your sister make her personal decisions (and her personal errors).

Q. Tough identify: My sister is trans. Her relationship with our father was very tough when she got here out, although they reconciled within the months earlier than his loss of life.

My late father and father-in-law share the identical identify. I’m pregnant with a boy; my husband and I made a decision to call him after each of his grandfathers. My father-in-law is in a steep decline and my husband just isn’t dealing with it properly. My sister was very quiet after we introduced the intercourse and identify of my child. Final week, we had an unsightly dialog the place my sister accused me of “intentionally” triggering her nervousness by naming my son after our father and being transphobic by desirous to honor my son along with her lifeless identify. Why didn’t I consider her? I advised my sister this wasn’t about her; Dad was years lifeless, they made up, she wants to hunt a therapist and never mission on me. I’ve all the time been there for her, by means of thick and skinny, and if she will be able to’t do the identical, we shouldn’t speak for some time.

It has been some time. My sister and I’ve all the time been in one another’s nook. Why can’t she be in mine now? I want my sister. I suppose I can perceive her response, however that is actually life and loss of life. And the identify could be very, quite common. What do I do?

A: This can be a tough scenario! I can perceive each of your respective positions, and acknowledge that it’s doable for individuals who genuinely take care of one another to even have contradictory or oppositional pursuits. You and your husband do, in fact, have the ultimate say over what to call your son, however I do assume it’s attention-grabbing that you just didn’t point out your father and father-in-law’s widespread (and in-common) identify was additionally your sister’s deadname till about midway by means of your letter; it appears way more related that this was as soon as her identify than the truth that her relationship together with your father was sophisticated earlier than he died. It makes a substantial amount of sense to me that your sister would discover it painful, presumably even not possible, to isolate her response from a reputation that individuals as soon as known as her for years.

That doesn’t imply you must agree along with her declare that you just did this intentionally with the intention to goal her; it appears clear out of your letter that your motivations have been quite the alternative—you didn’t wish to consider this identify as one thing your sister had any ties or reactions to, however as one thing that you just and your husband share together with your father and father-in-law. You didn’t do that intentionally to harm her; you didn’t wish to take into consideration her relationship to this identify in any respect. You probably did wish to consider your husband’s emotions about his father’s sickness; you didn’t wish to consider your sister’s emotions about her former identify. I don’t say that guilty you—it is smart that you just have been prioritizing your husband’s pursuits as a result of he’s the opposite dad or mum of your baby.

However simply as your sister can’t inform you what to call your child, you may’t inform her to not have a response to this identify, both. I’m glad you two each acknowledged you wanted time and area when issues acquired actually heated. It is best to each be recommended for that; it may be very arduous to take a break from a painful struggle within the second. However I do encourage you each to take issues down a notch. You didn’t do that intentionally, true; however it’s additionally not true that that is “actually life and loss of life.” Naming your son after his grandfather just isn’t going to maintain his grandfather alive, and it’s not the one manner you and your husband can honor that household connection. No matter you determine to do subsequent—and I’m not saying that you have to do what your sister says—you need to state your case not by way of your father-in-law’s impending loss of life, however by way of a call you’re ready to stay with and take possession over. I want you, your sister, and your husband as a lot peace and compassion and endurance as doable. You’re all going by means of so much proper now.

Q. Benefiting an excessive amount of from unemployment? A couple of 12 months in the past, I acquired laid off attributable to COVID-19. I began receiving unemployment, moved in with a buddy who had additionally misplaced their job, and have budgeted sufficient that I haven’t needed to dip into my financial savings. My trade was hit fairly arduous by COVID, so I’ve gotten only a few job interviews. I hated my final job and I’ve been fascinated by altering my profession for some time. Proper now, although, it’s arduous to discover the industries I’m taken with as a result of COVID has shuttered numerous employment-related actions I might do. Truthfully, I’m not unhappy about it. I’ve been capable of lastly learn all of the books on my cabinets, began drawing once more, and have typically loved myself in a manner I haven’t since I graduated from faculty.

I do know it sounds loopy, however I’m truly doing higher than I used to be earlier than the pandemic. I’ve gotten so comfy in my present scenario that I’ve truly began tanking my interviews on goal. I can’t flip down a job provide and keep my unemployment advantages, so I’ve been hoping that I gained’t get a suggestion. I do know I can’t do that indefinitely, however I’m fascinated by doing it till the pandemic ends and I can get an concept of what sort of work I may be taken with. A small a part of me thinks that I’m being a horrible particular person for taking advantages after I might presumably get a job. A a lot bigger a part of me remembers how depressing I used to be at my job. Am I a horrible particular person for planning on staying on unemployment for the foreseeable future?

A: You’re not a horrible particular person for receiving unemployment if you want unemployment advantages; nor are you a horrible particular person for snatching moments of relaxation and pleasure throughout an unbelievably tough 12 months. As you already know, tanking your interviews on goal just isn’t a technique that’s going to be just right for you eternally, so I do assume it’s time to start out pondering of alternate methods—however in case you’re realizing that you just may wish to search for work in a special trade altogether, it is smart that you just haven’t needed to appear like a perfect candidate for a job you concern you’d be depressing at once more. I understand you must proceed searching for work to maintain your advantages, so you may’t merely cease making use of altogether, however I’d encourage you to search for jobs that on the very least don’t precisely resemble the final one you hated, to no matter extent that’s doable. In the event you can arrange informational interviews with mates who work in different industries, or ask amongst your skilled community for assist transitioning to a different discipline, which may go a great distance towards bettering your future interviews.

I don’t assume you need to wait “till the pandemic ends” to start out determining what sort of work you may wish to do, each as a result of there’s no method to understand how lengthy the pandemic will proceed, and since there could by no means be an entire “return to normalcy” the place all the things reverts to pre-pandemic situations. Begin that planning work now as an alternative of placing it off for some imprecise date sooner or later, and good luck.

Q. Cash-pushy mom: I am keen on my mom, however she’s what I’ve taken to calling a money-pusher. At any time when we’re out someplace with mates—or simply respectable acquaintances!—she insists on paying for all the things; it doesn’t matter if we’re speaking a couple of {dollars} or a pair hundred. She completely refuses to take no for a solution in these conditions, to the purpose that it might probably turn out to be downright uncomfortable for the opposite particular person—hiding their playing cards, stealing the invoice, shoving their a reimbursement of their wallets. At virtually 60, she’s comparatively well-off after working her manner up from nothing, so I do know why she’s the best way she is and I’ve discovered to only roll with it, however I additionally understand how uncomfortable this could make others really feel. Is it price citing along with her now, or ought to I simply let her stay her money-pushing life if it makes her glad?

A: You have got grounds to talk to her by yourself behalf, however I’d preach warning about telling her the way you assume different folks really feel about it. Both “I wish to typically pay for meals or occasions after we exit collectively—how do you’re feeling about that chance, and the way may we plan forward for these events so that you’d really feel ready?” or “I admire your generosity, however after we’re getting espresso with some new acquaintances and also you’re so forceful about paying that you just shove their a reimbursement of their wallets, it makes me really feel uncomfortable and such as you’ve overlooked the purpose of paying for somebody’s buy, which is to place them relaxed and make them really feel welcome” can be good factors of entry, and don’t relaxation your argument on the unsure floor of different folks’s hypothetical emotions. Good luck!

Q. Re: Disorganized gardener: Why not give the gardener a pay as you go debit card? That manner you have got paid her. If she by no means makes use of it, you can be lined if somebody intervenes along with her and tries to straighten out her funds.

A: Just a few folks have talked about this, together with Venmo or Paypal; I don’t know if switching from checks/money to digital fee will do a lot (she will be able to simply as simply let the cash languish there), however it’s price a shot. You too can inform her (kindly!) that sadly you may’t let her hold working with out fee and see if that makes a distinction.

Another person has prompt getting in contact with the household anyway, for the reason that letter author believes they’ve a very good relationship, and flagged the likelihood that she’s underneath a conservatorship. I’m not so certain that’s seemingly, given the independence of her working relationship with each the letter author and the earlier house owners (and I’m reluctant to encourage anybody to push for a conservatorship, a minimum of not with out realizing much more about her scenario), but when all else fails and you’ve got motive to belief them, then it may be price a shot.

Q. Re: Church marriage ceremony: The letter author doesn’t point out what appears “cult-y” to them past it being a reasonably conservative-sounding faith, however as somebody who was raised Mennonite, this description would slot in with extra conservative/Outdated Order church buildings I’ve seen. And a dry marriage ceremony is truthfully not that uncommon—I promise you may survive one reception with out alcohol. It might be that the groom needs to make his household glad and doesn’t thoughts going alongside for a day. Perhaps be taught extra about this denomination earlier than you write it off as a cult?

A: I didn’t wish to get too distracted by no matter particulars about this faith have troubled the letter author, as a result of there’s not a lot within the letter there! However the objections they do point out—no alcohol on the marriage ceremony and somewhat-conservative costume and tattoo insurance policies—don’t, for my part a minimum of, rise to the extent of getting an intervention. If the letter author’s sister was saying “No person homosexual can come to the marriage,” or “All people has to espouse this faith with the intention to attend,” I’d have a special reply, however because it stands, I feel the letter author ought to let a few of this go.

Danny M. Lavery: Thanks a lot, everybody! See you subsequent week.

If you missed Part 1 of this week’s chat, click here to read it.