Chilly thighs on a scorching day seems like a paradox. Or maybe like a picnic unfold with fried rooster from a cooler. However on Could 21, because the temperature climbed to 88 levels in Pittsburgh, I used to be possessed by an uncommon feeling on my thighs. Possibly “chilly” is hyperbole. Chilly thighs on a scorching day would counsel a critical circulation situation. One thing in want of rheumatological intervention. However they did really feel chilly.
I felt different uncommon issues there too. A light-weight breeze. A drop of perspiration from my forehead. A (presumably) hungry gnat. A spectacle of sensations as a consequence of a call I made that morning, to place my slim-fitting, above-the-knee, Levi’s jean shorts on, after which cuff them in order that they have been (roughly) eight inches above my knee — making a home made model of what at the moment are generally known as “hoochie daddy shorts.”
The etymological origin of hoochie daddy shorts is unclear. However the time period entered our lexicon this spring to explain (presumably straight) males who’ve begun carrying form-fitting shorts which can be quick sufficient to disclose mid-to-upper thigh meat. (Which is one thing queer males have been doing, nicely, without end. However forgive us. We’re gradual!) It’s a pure evolution of males’s trend, the place the unfastened and dishevelled garments of the ’90s and early aughts have progressively given manner, over the previous 20 years, to slim, skinny and even asphyxiatingly cosy suits. A look on the NBA draft synopsizes this transformation. In 2003, the yr future superstars LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade have been chosen, they appeared like sentient pinch pleat curtains about to arrest Al Capone. But when they have been drafted in 2022, their fits can be tailor-made, their slacks can be tapered and their ankles and shins can be NC-17.
And whereas hoochie daddy shorts is perhaps new to this era, they’re not new. Should you’re lucky sufficient to have photos of the 60- and 70-year-old males in your life from once they have been of their 20s and 30s, you would possibly see them in shorts so quick they may very well be drawers. One in every of my favourite photos from that period — and possibly my favourite of any period — is of Marvin Gaye and Jesse Jackson playing one-on-one. Each are carrying headbands, each seem like extras on “American Bandstand,” and each are billboards for lavish leg meat.
Anyway, armed with the boldness of seeing dozens of latest males on social media revealing extreme thigh, I made a decision to attempt it myself. “If they’ll do it, so can I,” I assumed to myself. (“How do you want them apples, Marvin Gaye?” I additionally thought, which could have simply been the results of post-covid mind fog.) After which, two hours later, after venturing exterior and operating numerous errands, I had one other thought: “Yeah … that is paradoxical and anticlimactic.”
I anticipated catcalls, impromptu photoshoots, compliments on my “bravery,” invites to secret societies and a cascade of hoochie daddies inviting me to hoop. Possibly I’d even encounter a hoochie daddy flash mob, and we’d frolic down the road collectively, consuming tacos and crowding bike lanes. None of this occurred.
I didn’t anticipate what really occurred, which is that having extra uncovered thigh meant that my thighs can be extra uncovered to the weather. With no material to guard me, my thighs acquired chilly. After which moist. After which ravaged by gnats. After which, after I acquired into my automotive, which was parked within the solar, it felt like I used to be sitting on lava. (For individuals who recurrently sit naked thighs on scorching automotive seats, is it one thing that hurts each time, like a tattoo? Or do you construct up a gradual tolerance for hearth in your glutes?)
Two hours later, after venturing exterior and operating numerous errands, I had one other thought: “Yeah … that is paradoxical and anticlimactic.”
Additionally, it felt like … hmmm. Have you ever ever joked “Get a room!” at somebody being a bit too randy in public? It felt just like the universe was telling my thighs to “Get a room!”
Different issues it felt just like the universe was telling me:
“Your spouse mentioned you left your zinc tablets on the kitchen counter.”
“I advised you to not skip leg day.”
“You might be 43.”
That mentioned, there have been some sudden advantages. I felt extra developed. Like I used to be the kind of man who owned a monocle and solely spoke in Shakespearean monologues, like Joe Morton on “Scandal.” I additionally felt taller. And, unusually, quicker. Just like the hoochie daddy shorts would’ve shaved a half-second off my 40 time.
Finally, I feel straight males are overdue in liberating ourselves from the shackles of Holy Spirit-approved hemlines. Possibly the shortest of shorts aren’t for you, however our thighs ought to not less than have choices. Naked or coated. Common or crispy. The client is all the time proper.
Would I do it once more? Let me get again to you after I end these squats.
